This weekend, along with a long list of errands and chores, I’ve made a point to spend time with me. Reading other people’s weightloss blogs, looking into Weight Watchers, and writing on my own blog. Plus exercising but that, surprisingly, comes easy. It’s part of who I am. It’s the time to write and think and get in touch with myself that I suspiciously don’t make time for. I’ve started a page of writing exercises and hope to get in depth answers to those questions by giving time each day to them. But I can’t just parce it up. I need concentrated time getting in touch with answers to questions.

I want to start with this: what is my resistence to Weight Watchers…? How many times in the last few years have I gotten onto their website and read about the program, the options, the success stories. The draw is there for sure because the philosophy and program are solid. Partly my resistance is that I don’t want to take on “more” - yet another project, one more major commitment, more to plan, more to do, more limits. In a schedule that already feels overwhelming and filled to the brim. On the other hand, I am not losing the weight I want by continuing to eat the way I am. That is to say, I am not losing weight without a plan, limits, commitment. I want to look and feel amazing. I know Weight Watchers works. I just don’t trust myself to work it.

Can I do it without telling others too much initially?Yes. But why is that even important? Well, partly because I get easily discouraged. The slightest doubt, criticism or judgment from others is wounding. Sometimes enough to tip the scale into giving up. These are, initially, fragile steps and we have to be careful with whom we share our dreams. Go about life without needing the approval of the good tribe. If not, energy will go into the ego’s need to defend oneself. And with these dreams, our energy should stay on us.

Without impacting Dave’s eating or schedule initially? Am I using him as an excuse?

Yes. The impact would be positive regardless. I think the real hesitation is again, sharing my dreams with someone and being afraid of being judged for it, criticized, ridiculed. So where does that stem from? Family. And yes I realize my friends and Dave are not my family, but still, I feel protective of my inner life. At least until I believe in myself more strongly.

Am I just afraid to disappoint myself if I start up and then let it fizz out?Yes. That’s the big one right there. A few years ago, weighing my top weight of 207 lbs., I lost 40 lbs on my own. I had so much weight to lose and just the act of starting to be conscious about my eating, helped. And then I started training for the Danskin Triathlon. And as my weight dropped, I got motivated and changed my eating. As my weight dropped, the training got easier and more fun. It became a cycle: feeling better, eating better, running better, swimming better, biking better. It felt great to do it on my own. It took me about two years to lose 40 lbs.

But now and for some time now, I’m not doing it on my own. I’ve slowly gained (yesterday I weighed 179).

I want to be thin, fit, healthy, happy. “I will join Weight Watchers.” Even typing that I feel my doubt, my hesitation, my anxiety. It’s about trusting myself to do what I say. To live with integrity. I know how good it feels to say I’ll do something and then follow through. That sense of accomplishment and self respect is addictive.

I keep thinking : does it have to be that extreme Char? Can’t you just cut back on your own? Add a tomato? Pass on the donut? 

Journaling my food on FitDay.com has only allowed me to see how much I’m eating. (And it’s more calories than I’m burning most days.) So just writing down what I eat doesn’t motivate me enough to change. Not at all. So maybe it does have to be that extreme. Maybe so. Or maybe I need to find my motivation.

The only reason to join a program would be to find motivation because I do already know how to lose weight in a healthy way. And I strongly believe that the motivation is inside each one of us. I cannot rely on things outside of me to motivate me. They may encourage me, help me along, uplift me, but the real juice, the lion’s share, must come from within.

Everything I need, I have inside of me. It’s a matter of discovering it and staying in touch with it. And if I disconnect, as sometimes happens in life, rediscovering it. That’s it, it’s motivation, the secret. The motivation is within.