Char’s Fitness Weblog

I looked up “setback” and the first definition given by Merriam-Webster is “A checking of progress.” Now that is very cool. The first definition under “set back” is “To slow the progress of.” Hm. Even that I can live with. How often I’ve heard and read that success lies in persevering. Minor set-backs are part of the process and progress. How I handle them sets the tone for my success. 

And yet, the sabotaging perfectionist in me gets disappointed and discouraged easily. If I can’t follow my plan perfectly and daily, I toss the plan. This perfectionism is not my friend. Although I must admit, it is a motivator. But the hiccup happens when something gets derailed (and in life, it always does, sooner or later). Then I feel like I’ve failed and I start down the slippery slope of not believing in myself, being defeatist, wah wah wah.

So a few weeks ago, at the week of  my  fourth week on a training schedule, I got hurt. My calf tightened and I haven’t had a great run since. I slowly began to let go of my running schedule. If I can’t run it at 6.0 mph, I’m not interested. If I can’t run five days a week, I’m not interested. If if if… what a load.

I need to look at setbacks and my approach to them. My approach to them sets me back more than the setback itself. Isn’t it always the case? Getting in our own way. After a low level on-going pity party I finally embraced that this is where I am today: I can’t pick up my training schedule where I left off. I have to start slowly. Run slowly. Progress slowly. This is where I am. Do I still want to pursue my fitness goal of running a half marathon given where I am TODAY? Yes. Yes I do. No doubt about it.

So instead of pissing and moaning about where I should be, where I could be, blah blah blah, move forward. Start where you are and proceed. Re-commit to your dream. Re-commit to your fitness. Re-commit to you. Yes, it’s a set back. On the other hand, if the universe is unfolding exactly as it should be, this is exactly where I should be. Still running but in addition to that training, also learning patience. Patience with myself. With the process. With my thinking and my physical realities. And perseverance. Ah. Perseverance. Learning to move forward despite not following a plan to a tee. Being flexible. Loosening up. Wow. That feels unsteady just writing it. But yes, I want to train for the 2008 Seattle Half Marathon and these are characteristics I have to nurture to get to my goal. These are additional gifts given by the process of training and running in the race.

 I was contacted by Deborah Crooks about reviewing a CD. The CD is called Skinny Songs. I reviewed the website and was under-whelmed. I know the whole bit about not judging a book by its cover but there is so much shtuff out there and we have to have some parameters with which to choose. Having standards is, after all, extremely handy and important. I’m a big believer in having standards: standards for ourselves, for the people in our lives, for all the things we let into our life. Food, music, art, relationships, everything. Even more so in an era that proclaims that having standards and minimum requirements is unkind, unfair, uncompassaionate. I disagree wholeheartedly. Sorry, but without standards, we are just floating through life in a vacuum.

Anyway, back to Skinny Songs. Despite the unappealing website (and not to sound too superficial, but really, a frumpy smock is a frumpy smock even on the hottest chick at the party), I accepted Deborah’s offer to review the CD. Truth be told (and to possibly sound even more superficial), I accepted because her site is quite sensitive, introspective and beautiful. And her own music amazing. She obviously has good standards for herself, so, I concluded, she’s not likely to be pedaling something entirely lack-luster.

Yesterday I received the CD in the mail, promptly downloaded it onto my iPod (love love love my iPod), and listened to it at the gym this morning. Twice.So… here it goes.It’s fun. I felt sort of secretive listening to it: a guilty pleasure, like I’m enjoying something sort of dorky, bordering on the uncool, very much for girls only, but still really enjoying it. It is fun and motivating and upbeat. And funny. I can’t imagine any woman out there who has struggled with her weight not being able to relate to just about every song. Some of the songs border on Country, some are HipHop, some Pop, all are fun. It struck me though that these are not only motivating for workouts (the right music can certainly get me to run further and faster). These would also we motivating in more relaxing moments: driving home, hanging out with girlfriends, getting ready to go out. The messages are empowering: about transformation and succeeding. There is a real sense of picturing yourself reaching your goals. And that’s a key to succeeding at anything. The song titles are:

Skinny Jeans

Thin!

I’m A Hottie Now

Use It To Lose It

Incredible Shrinking Woman

Think I’ll Go To Saks

You Da Boss

Objects in the Mirror 

Who The Hell Is That?

Blowin’ You Off at 8

There are very relatable lyrics: from loving the feel of wearing our skinny jeans, to seeing, really seeing,  ourselves overweight for the first time (in a photo or the mirror), to how it feels to run into the man who hurt us when we were a size 16, and how it feels to blow him off at a size 8.So yes, I say “Get your Skinny Songs!” You’ll smile. And you’ll see yourself as a woman evolving, capable of achieving her fitness dreams. As you evaluate the standards for your life, you should definitely set the bar for things that make you feel good about yourself, help you believe in yourself, make you smile. And things that maybe help you run that extra mile.

This weekend, along with a long list of errands and chores, I’ve made a point to spend time with me. Reading other people’s weightloss blogs, looking into Weight Watchers, and writing on my own blog. Plus exercising but that, surprisingly, comes easy. It’s part of who I am. It’s the time to write and think and get in touch with myself that I suspiciously don’t make time for. I’ve started a page of writing exercises and hope to get in depth answers to those questions by giving time each day to them. But I can’t just parce it up. I need concentrated time getting in touch with answers to questions.

I want to start with this: what is my resistence to Weight Watchers…? How many times in the last few years have I gotten onto their website and read about the program, the options, the success stories. The draw is there for sure because the philosophy and program are solid. Partly my resistance is that I don’t want to take on “more” - yet another project, one more major commitment, more to plan, more to do, more limits. In a schedule that already feels overwhelming and filled to the brim. On the other hand, I am not losing the weight I want by continuing to eat the way I am. That is to say, I am not losing weight without a plan, limits, commitment. I want to look and feel amazing. I know Weight Watchers works. I just don’t trust myself to work it.

Can I do it without telling others too much initially?Yes. But why is that even important? Well, partly because I get easily discouraged. The slightest doubt, criticism or judgment from others is wounding. Sometimes enough to tip the scale into giving up. These are, initially, fragile steps and we have to be careful with whom we share our dreams. Go about life without needing the approval of the good tribe. If not, energy will go into the ego’s need to defend oneself. And with these dreams, our energy should stay on us.

Without impacting Dave’s eating or schedule initially? Am I using him as an excuse?

Yes. The impact would be positive regardless. I think the real hesitation is again, sharing my dreams with someone and being afraid of being judged for it, criticized, ridiculed. So where does that stem from? Family. And yes I realize my friends and Dave are not my family, but still, I feel protective of my inner life. At least until I believe in myself more strongly.

Am I just afraid to disappoint myself if I start up and then let it fizz out?Yes. That’s the big one right there. A few years ago, weighing my top weight of 207 lbs., I lost 40 lbs on my own. I had so much weight to lose and just the act of starting to be conscious about my eating, helped. And then I started training for the Danskin Triathlon. And as my weight dropped, I got motivated and changed my eating. As my weight dropped, the training got easier and more fun. It became a cycle: feeling better, eating better, running better, swimming better, biking better. It felt great to do it on my own. It took me about two years to lose 40 lbs.

But now and for some time now, I’m not doing it on my own. I’ve slowly gained (yesterday I weighed 179).

I want to be thin, fit, healthy, happy. “I will join Weight Watchers.” Even typing that I feel my doubt, my hesitation, my anxiety. It’s about trusting myself to do what I say. To live with integrity. I know how good it feels to say I’ll do something and then follow through. That sense of accomplishment and self respect is addictive.

I keep thinking : does it have to be that extreme Char? Can’t you just cut back on your own? Add a tomato? Pass on the donut? 

Journaling my food on FitDay.com has only allowed me to see how much I’m eating. (And it’s more calories than I’m burning most days.) So just writing down what I eat doesn’t motivate me enough to change. Not at all. So maybe it does have to be that extreme. Maybe so. Or maybe I need to find my motivation.

The only reason to join a program would be to find motivation because I do already know how to lose weight in a healthy way. And I strongly believe that the motivation is inside each one of us. I cannot rely on things outside of me to motivate me. They may encourage me, help me along, uplift me, but the real juice, the lion’s share, must come from within.

Everything I need, I have inside of me. It’s a matter of discovering it and staying in touch with it. And if I disconnect, as sometimes happens in life, rediscovering it. That’s it, it’s motivation, the secret. The motivation is within.

36.6 % fat and 181.1 lbs. I need to make my fitness a priority. Journaling, eating and exercising. I am unhappy and it’s all in my own control.

Yesterday I read about Lynn Haraldson Bering’s weight loss journey on her blog. Wow, what an inspiration. And I needed it too. One of the biggest anxieties for me about losing weight/getting in shape is how quickly I can start to feel like I’m sinking. Which brings me to Newton’s Laws:A body at rest tends to stay at rest. A body in motion tends to stay in motion.(Keep moving forward on the right path. The right path is the treadmill, eating consciously and blogging.) The more mass a body has, the more energy it takes to get it moving.(The fatter I get, the easier it is to keep getting fat. The fitter I get, the easier it is to keep getting fit. )For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.(Overeating, skipping my workouts and neglecting my emotions,  I feel like poop. I’m paraphrasing Newton, but still… you get the point. The more I eat, the more empty I am. The more I experience, the more relaxed I feel. The more I understand myself, explore, write and share, the more I am whole.)

I’m having a crummy day. Or few days. Maybe I’m PMSing… I just am not losing weight. And it’s not a mystery. No, that’s not even my big disappointment. My disappointment is in myself. I’m not losing weight because I eat enough every day to continue maintaining my weight. Despite the running.Every day I have an excuse, or an occasion, or a something something. Sometimes I feel bottomless. Then I panic. Sometimes I do well. But it just balances out the other days when I eat way more than I should.Ugh.